Donald Trump says that it’s “ridiculous” to think that Russian hackers helped him win the 2016 presidential election, insisting further that his campaign only hired American hackers.
Boys in the Hood
I do agree with Donald Trump that political correctness has gotten way out of control. You can’t even call KKK members “white supremacists” anymore without them getting all pissy.
You’re Gonna Want to Hear This
Federal regulators are considering letting airline passengers make Wi-Fi phone calls during flights. Now if I wanted to listen to someone babble about nothing that concerns me while I’m trying to sleep, I’d just get married.
Not in My Lifetime
A study has shown that life expectancy for Americans has decreased by one month. It seems that some people will do anything not to see Donald Trump inaugurated next January.
Nature Boy
Yesterday Leonardo DiCaprio met with Donald Trump to discuss ways to stop global warming and preserve wildlife. I personally find Leo’s causes to be ironic, when you consider his past dealings with icebergs and bears.
All Honors
Donald Trump has been named Time magazine’s person of the year. And Jill Stein has been named Starbucks employee of the month.
Flight Grounded
Donald Trump wants the government to cancel Boeing’s contract to build an updated Air Force One. Because not only is the plane too expensive, but it doesn’t even come with all those tacky gold fixtures he loves so much.
Airborn
A Southwest Airlines plane was forced to land after a woman gave birth mid-flight. The mother is now doing fine, but in hindsight wishes she paid for the extra legroom.
Man of Fortune
Donald Trump received a congratulatory phone call from Taiwanese president Tsai Ing-wen. Moments later she called back, having forgotten to give him his lucky numbers.
A Dog is a Big Decision
Donald Trump has picked retired General James “Mad Dog” Mattis as secretary of defense. Melania reluctantly agreed to Donald’s newest appointment but with one rule: he’s not allowed on the sofa.