At an elementary school in Slinger, WI, trace amounts of anti-freeze were discovered in the drinking water. Teachers grew suspicious when a violent protest erupted during an in-class viewing of Disney’s “Frozen.”
H.C. Phone Home
Hilary Clinton says she will open the X-files and declassify Area 51 if she becomes president. Maybe it’s me, but it seems like she’s trying to alienate her constituents.
Change of Plans
Airport security lines have been so unbearably long lately that even radical Islam is thinking about staying home this summer.
It’s a Dry Heat
A Burger King in Finland opened up its first in-store sauna. But before you go in, be warned. The King doesn’t like to wear a towel.
Everyday Heroes
In Tampa, FL., a German Shepherd named Haus saved a 7-year-old girl from being bitten by a rattlesnake. In other animal news, my Norwegian Forest cat named Tippy puked in my dress shoes.
May Cause Drowsiness
Pfizer pharmaceuticals has stopped distributing drugs used for lethal injections. It seems that several death row inmates were complaining about the side effects.
Fresh Idea
MacDonald’s is testing fresh beef patties in 14 of its Dallas restaurants. If this works, they may even try making french fries out of potatoes.
Thinking Out Loud
House Speaker Paul Ryan met with Donald Trump this morning and asked him point blank if he shared their party’s conservative values. Trump responded by asking, “What are values?”
It Dulls the Senses
Budweiser is renaming its beer “America” this summer. They must have sent Donald Trump a couple of cases in advance. He’s been drunk on America for well over a year.
That’s Just Nuts
In the UK, the red squirrel population is being threatened by the spread of leprosy. One squirrel climbed out on a limb and came back without one.