Several athletes have complained about their lodgings in Rio’s Olympic Village. One gymnast grew furious when the front desk accidentally gave away his room overlooking the river of raw sewage.
I Go To Pee-o
The waterways of Rio de Janeiro are so filthy right now that even the bacteria doesn’t want to go swimming.
Say It With Flowers
John Hinckley Jr., who tried to kill Ronald Reagan in 1981, will soon be released from a mental hospital. In exchange for his freedom, he had to promise the courts he would explore more traditional ways of impressing Jodie Foster.
Bite me, Bruh
Mosquitoes carrying the Zika virus have been detected in the trendy urban arts district of Wynwood, Miami, giving me yet another reason to hate hipsters.
Hitman
Donald Trump said that he wanted to hit several speakers at the DNC, and that he would have done it if he had full-size hands.
Wait for the Beep
Wikileaks has struck again, this time releasing 29 stolen voicemails from the DNC. Republican strategists are now hard at work trying to negatively spin 3 wrong numbers and 26 butt dials.
Feelin’ Not So Groovy
Last night 200 Bernie Sanders supporters walked out of the Democratic National Convention. They had heard that Paul Simon had returned to repeat his Monday night performance.
Hotmail
Russian officials are calling accusations that they released the DNC’s hacked emails to Wikileaks as “absurd”, adding “We’re too busy doping our Olympic athletes.”
Straight Shooter
I’m like an open book and I always say exactly what I’m thinking. But you wouldn’t know that just from talking to me.
I Know It Was You, Fredo
Debbie Wasserman Schultz will resign as DNC chairperson at the end of the week. She is in no rush to get home, as Bernie Sanders is most likely waiting for her in her driveway.