Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are so busy calling each other “racist” and “bigot” that they both forgot to RSVP David Duke for his dinner party this Saturday night.
SPF 1000
I couldn’t get any work done today with all the burkinis out by the pool.
Them’s Fightin’ Words
U.S. Soccer suspended goalkeeper Hope Solo for 6 months after calling the Swedish team “a bunch of cowards.” Despite this display of poor sportsmanship, she’s already lined up a job as Donald Trump’s new campaign manager.
What’s in Your Wallet
Ramen noodles have displaced tobacco as the most popular currency among prison inmates. For example, it now costs 3 packs of ramen to stop your cellmate from raping you (previously valued at 2 packs of cigarettes.)
Lousy Pricks
The price of the allergy injection EpiPen has inflated 400%, just like my cheeks if I accidentally eat shellfish.
Out of the Pool
Ryan Lochte lost his Speedo endorsement as a result of his bad behavior in Rio last week.
The swimsuit company no longer wishes to cover his ass.
Where the Boys Are
Lou Pearlman, creator of ‘NSync and the Backstreet Boys, has died in prison. His list of crimes was long – Ponzi schemes, money laundering, conspiracy and fraud, but worst of all, creating ‘NSync and the Backstreet Boys.
Say Hello to my Little Friend
The CDC has now listed Miami Beach as the next zone affected by the Zika virus. So if you’ve ever wanted to see a topless mosquito, now’s your chance.
Shop ‘Til You Drop
Walmart stores have experienced a violent crime everyday since they cut back on in-store security. So thankfully they sell guns cheaply, because you’re gonna need one to get back to your car.
Scratch That
McDonald’s will stop putting fitness trackers in their Happy Meals, as some children have experienced a skin irritation from the wristband. Instead they will bring back their most popular toy, the Grimace Insulin travel kit.