I hereby pledge,

to be kind to Green Iguanas,

to show them love and respect,

even if

they take a dump on my pool deck.

And I will never:

speak poorly of them,

hurl rocks at them,

shoot them in the head,

bury them alive,

set them on fire,

throw acid in their face,

or hack them into small pieces and mail them to my ex-girlfriend

from this day forward.