President Obama has ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the country for meddling in our election. Donald Trump has offered the diplomats his sofa until Obama cools off.
Monthly Archives: December 2016
Never Missed a Party
The inventor of the red Solo cup has died at 84. His family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, please send paper plates and napkins.
Yeezus the Clown
Kanye West’s hair is now yellow and pink. I guess he misunderstood his critics when they told him to go away and die.
All Sales Final
I just heard that 10% of Christmas gifts are returned every year. Now I have to figure out which of my ten friends is the ungrateful bastard.
Nuts!
This year Santa left Planter’s low-sodium peanuts in my Christmas stocking. I can only guess that he ran out of coal.
Typhoid Merry
Donald Trump pledges to stop the war on Christmas and to start one with everyone else.
Spend it All in One Place
Every Christmas, at the very last minute, I frantically print out gift cards for my family. But this year I put some thought into it. I’m going to use the “best quality” setting.
White Christmas
A white woman from Kentucky unleashed a racist rant at a hispanic customer while shopping at JC Penny. Donald Trump has condemned her behavior and might even sue her for leaking his inaugural address.
Santagate
Kids sure are growing up fast these days. Last night I read my 5-year-old niece Twas the Night Before Christmas and she told me it sounded like fake news.
High Marx
Pop singer Richard Marx helped subdue an unruly passenger on a Korean Air flight. The man started behaving erratically when he learned that Marx had somehow managed to marry Latina beauty Daisy Fuentes.