Tyson Food Inc. is voluntarily recalling their Panko chicken nuggets after pieces of “hard white plastic” were discovered inside them. But at least for once customers knew what they were eating.
Monthly Archives: September 2016
Alright, Start Talking
I can’t wait to see who loses the first presidential debate tonight – I mean, besides us.
Family First, I mean Second
Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has decided he will vote for Donald Trump, even though Trump once called his wife ugly. And Mrs. Cruz has decided that Ted will never have sex again.
Sounds Like a Weiner
The FBI is now investigating Anthony Weiner for online chats with a 15-year-old girl, but he says he has “likely been the subject of a hoax.” Weiner’s wife is saying the exact same thing about her marriage to Anthony.
That’s My Line
Yesterday in Cleveland, boxing promoter Don King used the n-word at a church event just before introducing Donald Trump. King later apologized for the slip-up, stating he accidentally starting reading from Trump’s Teleprompter.
Gimme a D
The world is saddened to learn that Brangelina are splitting up. Gelina is asking for physical custody of the kids, whereas Bran just wants the letter “d” returned to his first name.
Tase the Rainbow
Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to poisonous Skittles in a tweet last night in support of his father’s ideas on immigration. He then went on to suggest that Skittles should only come in one flavor – vanilla.
Immune Over Miami
Florida governor Rick Scott announced that the trendy Wynwood district of Miami is now clear of Zika-carrying mosquitoes thanks to aggressive aerial-spraying. It was such a success that tomorrow they will begin spraying against the hipsters.
State Secrets
A massive sinkhole in Florida is leaking radioactive material, just like Colin Powell’s hacked email about Israel.
Bad Vibrations
Mark Wahlberg has withdrawn his request to be pardoned for a crime he committed as a juvenile. Instead, he is now seeking amnesty for his years as a South Boston gang leader – the notorious Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.