The CDC has now listed Miami Beach as the next zone affected by the Zika virus. So if you’ve ever wanted to see a topless mosquito, now’s your chance.
Monthly Archives: August 2016
Shop ‘Til You Drop
Walmart stores have experienced a violent crime everyday since they cut back on in-store security. So thankfully they sell guns cheaply, because you’re gonna need one to get back to your car.
Scratch That
McDonald’s will stop putting fitness trackers in their Happy Meals, as some children have experienced a skin irritation from the wristband. Instead they will bring back their most popular toy, the Grimace Insulin travel kit.
I Heard You
My sister accused me of not listening to her when she talks to me. At least I think that’s what she said.
In Cold Blood
Tonight I was shocked to discover my rear window smashed in and a live tropical snake inside of my car. That’s the last time I forget my mother’s birthday.
I’ll Pass
English pop singer Adele turned down an offer to perform at this year’s Super Bowl half-time show. She said she’s never really been a fan of soccer.
Golden Boy
People are calling Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian of all time. Past US gold medalists Carl Lewis and Mary Lou Retton are in total agreement, however Bruce Jenner was unavailable for comment.
Double Trouble
CEO Rupert Murdoch has replaced Roger Ailes with two co-presidents, potentially doubling the amount of sexual harassment at Fox News.
Mean Girls
Donald Trump said his remarks that Obama founded ISIS were sarcastic. Obama responded to Trump by rolling his eyes with a dismissive “whatevs.”
Under Pressure
Rapper Vanilla Ice threw a temper tantrum at Atlanta International Airport after missing his flight. Witnesses said they hadn’t seen him that hot since 1991.