Hugh Hefner is selling the Playboy Mansion for $200 million, but if you buy it he gets to stay there until he dies. No deal, Hef. I hear you like to throw parties and I’ve got to study.
Monthly Archives: January 2016
Fashionably Late
Fashion designer and miniskirt pioneer Andre Courreges has died at the age of 92. The family chose to have a closed-casket funeral, just in case he wasn’t wearing any panties.
5 Seconds of Bummer
I just received the new issue of Rolling Stone and there are 4 naked boys on the cover. For a moment I thought I accidentally got my neighbor’s copy of Inside the Vatican.
Flu Season
This morning I went to Walgreens and got the “Affluenza” vaccine. It seems to be working. I no longer want to hang out in Mexican strip clubs with my mother.
Have Another
Parents who violated the former 1-child policy in China are asking to have their fines dismissed, now that it is legal to have 2 children. They believe that having 2 children is punishment enough.
Salad Days
Being a vegetarian has its ups and downs. The upside is no animals are harmed by my eating habits. The downside is I have no joy in my life.
Repeat Performance
Las Vegas police are investigating singer Chris Brown in the possible assault of a woman. Brown claims that he was feeling pressure from his record label, who threatened to drop him unless he turned out another hit this year.
Baaad Romance
I just learned that North Carolina has a dating website for “Farmers Only.” Apparently they are the number one site for creating meaningful relationships between cowhands and sheep.
Boogie Nights
Last night I went to a roller skating party for New Year’s Eve. The drinks were flowing and this morning I woke up between two women. One was taking my temperature and the other was stitching up my forehead.