Sadly, all of my job applications to be a shopping mall Santa were rejected. So this December, I will continue to supplement my income as a second-rate, flea market Krampus.
Monthly Archives: November 2015
A Gift to Myself
I finished all of my Christmas shopping yesterday by converting to Judaism.
Back Door Man
Yesterday a man wrapped in an American flag climbed over the White House fence. Someone needs to tell Jeb Bush that he’s starting to look a little desperate.
Thanks a Lot
My sister and her husband hosted Thanksgiving dinner at their home today. All of my relatives gathered for a lovely afternoon of food, drink and laughter. I’m hoping that next year they will tell me where they live.
Fruit Roll-up
Today I am thankful that I don’t have enough hair to start wearing a man bun. Because I’d totally do it.
Fill ‘er Up
More Americans are hitting the roads this holiday weekend thanks to the cheapest gas prices since 2008 – or maybe it’s due to the imminent threat of domestic terrorism. Either way, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I’ll Take It
The dress that Judy Garland wore in the ‘Wizard of Oz’ was sold at auction yesterday for $1.5 million. While that was way out my price range, I did return home with a pair of Jockey shorts famously worn by Munchkin #26. Classic, but a little tight.
Dummy Check
The Texas state board of education voted against allowing university experts to fact-check their text books. It’s actually a smart move, as those university experts were all educated in Texas.
Sacré Bleu
Celine Dion will perform a musical tribute for the people of France this Sunday night on the American Music Awards. Hasn’t Paris suffered enough?
Close Enough
The FDA has approved genetically modified salmon for human consumption, stating that there are “no biologically relevant differences” to farm-raised Atlantic salmon. Said Aquaman, “I ain’t eating that sh*t.”