Former N.W.A. manager Jerry Heller filed a lawsuit for his negative portrayal (depicted by Paul Giamatti) in the film “Straight Outta Compton.” Good luck, Jerry. I have still not received any money for what Giamatti did to my reputation in the film “Sideways.”
Monthly Archives: October 2015
Ay Dios Mio
The University of Louisville apologized to their Hispanic students after hosting a faculty luncheon where staffers wore sombreros and bushy mustaches. “It astounds me that an educational institution would embrace such stereotypes,” said Speedy Gonzales.
Body of Work
Reality television personality Farrah Abraham posted photos of her 3rd breast augmentation surgery on Instagram. In case you are unfamiliar with her resumé, Farrah achieved stardom by way of her 1st and 2nd breast augmentation surgeries.
Special Delivery
A drone carrying drugs, hacksaw blades and mobile phones crashed at the Oklahoma State Penitentiary before inmates could grab the contraband. So far, I am unimpressed with Amazon’s Prime Air Delivery service.
Kill it
I am not a God-fearing American, but I am a Burmese Python-fearing American. Would someone please come over and get this thing out my kitchen? First responder gets a back rub.
Rock Candy
NASA has confirmed that a giant asteroid will zoom past earth this Halloween. They were relieved to report it will not make impact, as it was earlier believed to become a graveyard smash.
Goon Squad
Donald Trump and Ben Carson are both slated to start receiving secret service protection this week. Man, if saying dumb things is all you need to do to get a bodyguard, then where’s my security detail?
Cancel My Subscription
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner announced that starting in March it will no longer publish nude photographs of women. “More room for the rest of us,” said Ranger Rick, who is largely regarded as the Larry Flynt of wildlife porn.
Did I Do That?
Pop sensation Ariana Grande “accidentally” locked lips with former co-star Liz Gillies and “mistakenly” posted it on Instagram. Just like I “unknowingly” took a half-nude Selfie and “oopsie daisy!” made it my LinkedIn profile picture.
Sink or Swim
People are fascinated by how thousands of fire ants merged together forming a “life raft” in order to survive the recent floods in South Carolina. But when I try to grab a woman’s leg underwater at the university swimming pool, I get sent home.