Tonight I was shocked to discover my rear window smashed in and a live tropical snake inside of my car. That’s the last time I forget my mother’s birthday.
Category Archives: things
Quit Playing Games
I don’t even know what Pokemon Go is, but I’m ready to declare war on anyone under 30.
Sticky Fingers
I noticed this beautiful woman on the beach tonight when suddenly a firecracker blew up in her hand. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, but I picked up a few of her digits.
Draggin’ Wagon
I hate the security wheel locks on the shopping carts at Publix. It makes it really hard to get my groceries into my apartment.
Heels on Wheels
Audi has designed a car with a detachable skateboard in the back, allowing the driver to seamlessly transition from pretentious douchebag to apathetic punk.
Kill it
I am not a God-fearing American, but I am a Burmese Python-fearing American. Would someone please come over and get this thing out my kitchen? First responder gets a back rub.
Guys and Dolls
I got my friend an inflatable sex doll for his birthday, but as a goof I filled it with helium. He just called me in tears. Apparently he left the window open and she was hit by a plane.
All the Accessories
My neighbor attached decorative “car lashes” to the headlights of her vehicle. I do admit they make her Volkswagon Beetle look quite stunning. But I’m feeling sexually conflicted because as she pulled away I also noticed the “truck nuts”.
Lefty
I am currently teaching myself how to write with my left hand. It’s not easy but it’s coming along. Next I’ll teach the right hand.