This year Santa left Planter’s low-sodium peanuts in my Christmas stocking. I can only guess that he ran out of coal.
Category Archives: food
Why You All Up in My Grill?
Donald Trump is upset about the scathing review Vanity Fair magazine gave his restaurant. But he’s even more upset with good friend Vladimir Putin, who knew about the article months ago and didn’t tell him.
Man of Fortune
Donald Trump received a congratulatory phone call from Taiwanese president Tsai Ing-wen. Moments later she called back, having forgotten to give him his lucky numbers.
New Prescription
The Dr Pepper Snapple Group has purchased Bai antioxidant drinks in an effort to offer healthier alternatives. Dr Pepper finally realized that a Snapple a day does not keep the doctor away, but instead causes type 2 diabetes.
No Bones About It
Tyson Food Inc. is voluntarily recalling their Panko chicken nuggets after pieces of “hard white plastic” were discovered inside them. But at least for once customers knew what they were eating.
Lousy Pricks
The price of the allergy injection EpiPen has inflated 400%, just like my cheeks if I accidentally eat shellfish.
Scratch That
McDonald’s will stop putting fitness trackers in their Happy Meals, as some children have experienced a skin irritation from the wristband. Instead they will bring back their most popular toy, the Grimace Insulin travel kit.
Regular Guest
Chipotle is starting a loyalty program in order to woo back their customers. If you eat there more than four times in one month, they’ll pay for your diapers.
Draggin’ Wagon
I hate the security wheel locks on the shopping carts at Publix. It makes it really hard to get my groceries into my apartment.
Chance Meating
A deli meat truck collided with a bread truck, spilling both of its contents all over a New Jersey highway. Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency and is asking FEMA for 100,000 Ziploc bags.