When I was 5 months old my mother accidentally dropped me on my head. But ever since then it’s always been on purpose.
Category Archives: family
The Price of Love
The cost of raising a child has been calculated at roughly $233,000. Just to put that in perspective, you can get 233 vasectomies for that kind of money.
Low on Fluids
In Dormont, PA, a woman gave birth at a car dealership while waiting to get an oil change. The mother and child are both doing fine and will head home once they finish the tire rotation.
Nuts!
This year Santa left Planter’s low-sodium peanuts in my Christmas stocking. I can only guess that he ran out of coal.
Spend it All in One Place
Every Christmas, at the very last minute, I frantically print out gift cards for my family. But this year I put some thought into it. I’m going to use the “best quality” setting.
Santagate
Kids sure are growing up fast these days. Last night I read my 5-year-old niece Twas the Night Before Christmas and she told me it sounded like fake news.
He’s at the Cantina
Carrie Fisher confirmed that while filming Star Wars she had an affair with Harrison Ford, who was married at the time. And it was especially hard on Chewbacca, who had to keep covering for him.
Sounds Like a Weiner
The FBI is now investigating Anthony Weiner for online chats with a 15-year-old girl, but he says he has “likely been the subject of a hoax.” Weiner’s wife is saying the exact same thing about her marriage to Anthony.
Gimme a D
The world is saddened to learn that Brangelina are splitting up. Gelina is asking for physical custody of the kids, whereas Bran just wants the letter “d” returned to his first name.
I Heard You
My sister accused me of not listening to her when she talks to me. At least I think that’s what she said.