Celebrated children’s author Beverly Cleary will turn 100-years-old tomorrow. After writing over 40 books and selling millions of copies worldwide, she hopes to finally relax and enjoy middle age.
Category Archives: current events
Class Dismissed
The FBI created a fake online university to catch foreigners trying to get bogus student visas. While the sting was a success, the university has been voted 2016’s worst party school.
Kung Fooled You
Jackie Chan has been hiding his money in an off-shore bank account. The IRS hasn’t felt this betrayed by him since watching Rush Hour 2.
I Go To Rio
The Brazilian tourism board is concerned that ticket sales for the 2016 Summer Olympics are currently only at 50 percent. To drum up business, they are now offering bottomless Caipirinhas if while visiting you contract the Zika virus.
Unable To Connect
A man from Hong Kong spent $50,000 building a robot that looks surprisingly like Scarlett Johansson. The robot has artificial intelligence capabilities and has already taught itself how to say, “get the hell off of me.”
Who’s With Me
Yesterday, Donald Trump’s comments on abortion were so off base that he is now under attack from both the pro-choice and the pro-life movement. I’m guessing that today Donald is wishing he was never born.
Dig It
President Obama will be hosting an International Jazz Day concert at the White House next month. I find this pretty strange, considering only three days ago he was trying to discourage heroin and opioid use.
The Road to Recovery
Yesterday President Obama announced that more Americans die from opioid overdoses than from traffic accidents. He believes we can reverse this troubling statistic by coming together as a nation and driving really shitty.
Bird Bird Bird
A small house finch landed on Bernie Sander’s podium while he was giving a speech on Saturday. It was a welcome distraction from the vultures that have been circling his campaign bus.
Good For Your Heart
In an online tweet, Donald Trump threatened to “spill the beans” about Ted Cruz’s wife. Cruz is furious at Trump, not only for going after his family, but for potentially wasting perfectly good legumes.