This Mother’s Day I thanked my mom for giving birth to me, even though I initially tried to talk her out of it.
Category Archives: current events
Mmm, Tasty
Pres. Obama went to Flint, Michigan and drank a glass of filtered water, hoping to ease the minds of its citizens. And now Chipotle restaurants have asked Obama if he will stop in and eat a chicken burrito.
This Isn’t Working Out
Sports Authority announced it will be closing all of its stores. Man…and I was just thinking about finally getting in shape. Pizza tonight, anyone?
Thanks for the Memories
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is retiring the last of its elephants, after years of pressure from animal activists. One elephant described his abuse and mistreatment as something he’ll never forget.
A Black and White Case
A man dressed in a panda suit walked into a Baltimore TV station and threatened to blow the place up. Officers wounded the animal and returned him to the zoo.
Don’t Tempt Me
Former house speaker John Boehner referred to Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.” Lucifer is now suing Boehner for defamation of character.
Cruz Control
In an unusual move, Ted Cruz named Carly Fiorina his VP pick before even securing the presidential nomination. Even more strange, he chose Ben Carson to head the Department of Energy.
No Holds Barred
Former house speaker Dennis Hastert is awaiting sentencing in the hush money/sex abuse case currently against him. He is hoping for an aquittal so he can get back to doing what he loves – coaching boys wrestling.
Heels on Wheels
Audi has designed a car with a detachable skateboard in the back, allowing the driver to seamlessly transition from pretentious douchebag to apathetic punk.
Freshly Squeezed
Beyoncé surprised the world with a new release entitled “Lemonade.” It was recorded around the corner from Kanye West’s home studio, where fudge is made.