Donald Trump said that he wanted to hit several speakers at the DNC, and that he would have done it if he had full-size hands.
Category Archives: current events
Wait for the Beep
Wikileaks has struck again, this time releasing 29 stolen voicemails from the DNC. Republican strategists are now hard at work trying to negatively spin 3 wrong numbers and 26 butt dials.
Feelin’ Not So Groovy
Last night 200 Bernie Sanders supporters walked out of the Democratic National Convention. They had heard that Paul Simon had returned to repeat his Monday night performance.
Hotmail
Russian officials are calling accusations that they released the DNC’s hacked emails to Wikileaks as “absurd”, adding “We’re too busy doping our Olympic athletes.”
I Know It Was You, Fredo
Debbie Wasserman Schultz will resign as DNC chairperson at the end of the week. She is in no rush to get home, as Bernie Sanders is most likely waiting for her in her driveway.
Non-Compete Clause
The entire Russian Olympic team could be banned from the summer games for systemic doping, demonstrating the extreme measures athletes are taking to get out of going to Rio.
He’s a Charmer
Last night at the RNC Ted Cruz was booed offstage, seemingly for not endorsing Donald Trump. It was later discovered that he was booed offstage just for being Ted Cruz.
Packing Heat
The TSA has seized more than 1,500 guns from carry-on bags since January, forcing travelers to purchase cheaply made and overpriced weapons from the airport gift shop once through security.
Copy and Paste
Melania Trump might have plagiarized portions of her RNC speech from Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech. Making matters worse, this morning she was caught yanking carrots out of the First Lady’s vegetable garden.
Business Model
Tonight Melanie Trump will take center stage at the Republican National Convention. Donald has advised her to speak from the heart, and to try not to embarrass herself.