CEO Rupert Murdoch has replaced Roger Ailes with two co-presidents, potentially doubling the amount of sexual harassment at Fox News.
Category Archives: current events
Mean Girls
Donald Trump said his remarks that Obama founded ISIS were sarcastic. Obama responded to Trump by rolling his eyes with a dismissive “whatevs.”
Under Pressure
Rapper Vanilla Ice threw a temper tantrum at Atlanta International Airport after missing his flight. Witnesses said they hadn’t seen him that hot since 1991.
Reality Bites
Dating in Miami is more difficult than in most cities. Now women can use Zika as a legitimate excuse not to sleep with me.
That’s Not What He Said
Running mates Donald Trump and Michael Pence were in direct conflict with each other 3 times this week. Better get it together, fellas. You’ve got a country to burn down.
Word of Mouth
The Associated Press reported that there is no scientific evidence to support the benefits of flossing. “I knew it!” said Gummy McNoTeeth.
This Ain’t the Ritz
Several athletes have complained about their lodgings in Rio’s Olympic Village. One gymnast grew furious when the front desk accidentally gave away his room overlooking the river of raw sewage.
I Go To Pee-o
The waterways of Rio de Janeiro are so filthy right now that even the bacteria doesn’t want to go swimming.
Say It With Flowers
John Hinckley Jr., who tried to kill Ronald Reagan in 1981, will soon be released from a mental hospital. In exchange for his freedom, he had to promise the courts he would explore more traditional ways of impressing Jodie Foster.
Bite me, Bruh
Mosquitoes carrying the Zika virus have been detected in the trendy urban arts district of Wynwood, Miami, giving me yet another reason to hate hipsters.