The man who pioneered modern-day organ transplant surgery has died at age 90. He leaves behind a wife, 2 kids and a cooler full of unused spleens.
Category Archives: current events
Most Likely to Succeed
A Wisconsin teen spent $500 on roses and gave one to every girl in his school so they would feel special on Valentine’s Day. This was the first stage of his larger plan, which is to have sex with every girl in his school.
The Price of Love
The cost of raising a child has been calculated at roughly $233,000. Just to put that in perspective, you can get 233 vasectomies for that kind of money.
In the Tank
Today SeaWorld San Diego is ending its long-running killer whale show after years of public outcry. It will be replaced with a new exhibit showcasing porpoises with non-violent criminal records.
Bosom Baddies
A California man serving a life sentence for murder has received sex re-assignment surgery and will be transferred to a women’s prison. Tom Hanks is already looking at a preliminary script.
Low on Fluids
In Dormont, PA, a woman gave birth at a car dealership while waiting to get an oil change. The mother and child are both doing fine and will head home once they finish the tire rotation.
Someone Sure Dropped the Ball
If Dick Clark had been alive to see Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on his legendary show, I bet he would’ve had a stroke.
You Drive
Last night my Uber driver was so drunk I had to give him a ride home.
Hit the Road, Джэк
President Obama has ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the country for meddling in our election. Donald Trump has offered the diplomats his sofa until Obama cools off.
Never Missed a Party
The inventor of the red Solo cup has died at 84. His family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, please send paper plates and napkins.