The best part about being single is at the end of the day, I’ve usually only disappointed myself.

My cat just told me he wants to start seeing other owners. I told him that was fine, but I’m keeping the scratching post.

Last night I went to a roller skating party for New Year’s Eve. The drinks were flowing and this morning I woke up between two women. One was taking my temperature and the other was stitching up my forehead.

Next year, I resolve to become a better person, and I’m more than halfway there. I’ve already got his social security and credit card numbers.

Tonight I binge-watched 4 episodes of FX’s crime-drama Fargo. I finally exercised some self-control and turned it off – so I could get through the last 6 episodes of HBO’s Game of Thrones.

I have a late-night Taco Bell habit that I’m trying to break. Tonight it took all of my self-control to drive past the restaurant without pulling in. However, I did stop at Wendy’s because my prostitute wanted a Frosty.

I no longer wake up to my alarm clock’s buzzer, so I purchased a live rooster. Initially I would rise at the sound of his first crow, but now I just punch him in the face every 9 minutes.