Last night I went stand-up paddle boarding. It’s the perfect sport for me because I’m really good at standing, plus I love sweeping.
Category Archives: health and wellness
Fall Yogi
Last night in Yoga class the woman on the mat next to me farted. I could tell she was embarrassed so I did her a solid and shouted, “Sorry folks!” She was so appreciative of my little diversion she had me say it 7 more times.
Confidence Man
I have a tendency to be very self-critical. I think it all started when I lost that scholarship for being such a stupid idiot who will never find happiness because everyone is better than me and it’s all my fault. Yeah, I’m working on it.
Let It Ride
My driving instructor told me one way to avoid road rage is to pretend you know the driver of the offending car, that way you are more likely to stay calm. Yesterday some jackhole cut me off in traffic so I pretended he was my friend Orlando. It worked for a minute until I remembered that Orlando owed me 500 bucks. I ran that prick off the road.
Before He Cheats
My nutritionist has me on a strict diet, but he allows me a cheat day. On this day I routinely deceive and betray all those who trust me, and then I reward myself with a double fudge sundae. It’s a satisfying end to a week.
Don’t Be Scurred
I frequently suffer from stage fright. My public speaking coach told me to picture the audience naked when this happens. I tried it. Now I have gymnophobia.
Hulk Smash!
Most people would say I’m fairly mild-mannered. But that’s because they haven’t seen me when I get quietly perturbed. Consider yourself warned.
Wish List
Today I made 3 wishes. First, I wished for 6-pack abs. Secondly, I wished for huge biceps. And thirdly, I wished for a new physical trainer because I’m not getting the results I want from my fairy godmother.