Tonight I was playing blocks with my 4-year-old niece and every time I reached for one she said that it was hers. As I am no stranger to politics, I gave her 50 bucks and we now expect the esplanade project to be completed by early January.
All posts by JCR
Be the Change
I have a late-night Taco Bell habit that I’m trying to break. Tonight it took all of my self-control to drive past the restaurant without pulling in. However, I did stop at Wendy’s because my prostitute wanted a Frosty.
I Know a Place
Last night I called an UBER cab and my driver was none other than Soul Legend Mavis Staples. I asked her to drop me off at the nearest strip club and, ironically, she would not take me there.
Get On Up
I no longer wake up to my alarm clock’s buzzer, so I purchased a live rooster. Initially I would rise at the sound of his first crow, but now I just punch him in the face every 9 minutes.
Baby Shares
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he and his wife will be donating 99% of their company stock to charitable causes over the course of their life. Upon hearing this news, their newborn baby daughter uttered her first words – “Wait…what now?”
Good with Kids
Sadly, all of my job applications to be a shopping mall Santa were rejected. So this December, I will continue to supplement my income as a second-rate, flea market Krampus.
A Gift to Myself
I finished all of my Christmas shopping yesterday by converting to Judaism.
Back Door Man
Yesterday a man wrapped in an American flag climbed over the White House fence. Someone needs to tell Jeb Bush that he’s starting to look a little desperate.
Thanks a Lot
My sister and her husband hosted Thanksgiving dinner at their home today. All of my relatives gathered for a lovely afternoon of food, drink and laughter. I’m hoping that next year they will tell me where they live.
Fruit Roll-up
Today I am thankful that I don’t have enough hair to start wearing a man bun. Because I’d totally do it.